So, this kind of post will be more, current, less retrospective. And also, a bit more raw. Raw in that, I’m currently dealing with something. I’m annoyed. I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome at my camp (more on that later I promise). Whether that is just perceived or not… is not the question. When you feel something…. when I, feel something perception doesn’t matter. Because honestly doesn’t our world start on the personal level? I’m trying to be too philosophical for what I wanted this to be.
I, feel, like I’ve lost my novelty. Not the first time I’ve ever felt this, nor is it likely the last. I’ve always felt like an imaginary friend drifting in and out of people’s lives without much matter. I know I shouldn’t care about facebook but… Damn, I really don’t know how I can explain this without an hour of back story.
Social media and I, don’t really mix. I get lost in the feeds, and/or I size myself up to others in various ways. My favorite two of which, are both by physical appearance and the amount of attention given to one’s post. Interestingly enough, I actually feel like the attention, is the more prominent upset for me. I attribute this to the lack of attention and positive reinforcement I was given by people in my younger years. You may think, “well I’m sure there was someone”! But no. No positive driving force really. I think that the hypersexuality I experience is in league with attention, and getting it in an easy way. Thus it’s not truly satisfying because it’s physical. I’ve noticed that when my mind and creativity are acknowledged, validated… that I can feel it more deeply. Also, I’m more appreciative of being validated for being me, than being attractive, as I’ve hardly gotten much of that in my life. For a person who frequently doesn’t know why they exist, feels they have no purpose, and wants to stop hurting just because they exist, I don’t think adequate attention in any realm is possible.
I’m constantly cautious of everyone, and am looking for the thread that leads to why someone wants me around, when I myself, don’t even like me most days! I have to sort, friend, playmate, etc. I feel deeply. I’m not going to want to marry you if are sexual with me, but I really dislike the impersonal nature most possess. I was just telling my partner today about the bipolar duality of hookups and dating. There’s been too many a time, where there’s been an uncomfortable tonal shift when talking to someone who was interested in a relationship, that I told I wasn’t there for. All respect seems to dissolve like a sugar cube in coffee. Then, I’m a slut. Yeah, archaic mind switch, right? Gross. I think rest maybe some self eroticism (if you catch my drift) are in the cards after this. I just wanted to breath some life back into this dusty tome. Makes no sense because that would be an inanimate object, sooooo.
To wrap up, yeah. I want to recite these “Spells”, unpolished and pretty much rooted in the psychological practice of free association. Where one just let’s their mind go where it needs and wants. If anyone reads this, thanks. If anyone feels what I’m saying, I’m glad that neither of us suffer alone. If you should be someone that happens to know me, please do not hesitate to reach about anything that needs clarification. I’m all about communication! As a writer, and a sensitive individual, silence can be detrimental in the wrong spaces. Interpersonal relationships of any length and variety to me, need to be clear!
I hope your day was, is, or will be, PHANTASTIC!
Seasons of the Which 