I’m glad that the last post of mine was seen! I was a bit hesitant, I must admit… Now, not so much.
Do forgive me if I repeat myself, but this is a topic I often find myself approaching at least every other day. A feeling of floating around balance, recognizing that I am, seeing it before me even. But when I reach outward to pull myself onto its surface, my hand phases through it like fog. I would have said mirage, but fog is actually somewhat tangible if it is dense enough. Hence, fog. My fingers curl shut into a fist at the misguided attempt. I retract my hand, only to notice that I did touch something.
For quite awhile, I’d have to guess about four years at least, I’ve felt that I was on the opposite side of a wall from, something. I could hear faint stirrings, magnetic and hypnotizing muffled sounds that I couldn’t help but press my ear against the wall to hear better. But it seems they would subside if I listened too intently. Is the phantom of my intuition playing games? I’ve had a few misfires in my life due to what the outside world deems ideal, as opposed to listening to myself. That’s never a good mix, my friends. I’m a firm believer that we know the answers to our issues a good portion of the time, it’s whether or not we choose to confront and/or accept them, that becomes the question. When we do things contrary to what our intuition tells us, it can be damaging to self esteem, self-image, etc. Whether that is swatting away the inconvenient plea of reconsideration for the fifth donut you’re about to inhale, or trying to follow after some endeavor that you were never fully committed to in the first place, just because you were told that’s what you have to do.
Projecting much? Yes, yes I am! If you’ve read prior entries, you’d see very obviously that I have distortions about my personal appearance and I tour the spectrum of eating disorders (with the exception of bulimia) like a sloppy bar crawl. I often times know that I don’t actually want a certain something, in this instance we’ll say, cake. But I casually slide that knowledge aside because I need that momentary boost of dopamine. That’s the quickest cycling of my examples, food. School, good ol’ college is my second.
I have been in college off-and-on since about 2012. Within that time I have had, oh- about four concepts of what I wanted to do. The unstable nature of a major I hear is not too uncommon, but my intents were unclear. Something I am starting to understand, is that intent, is actually really important in a lot of the things that we do! That might seem like a no-brainer for the majority reading this, but I’ve always had to take the back roads on my way to trial-and-error. I’ll briefly explain that when I was growing up, I wasn’t given much of anything to work with from my parents. I was taught manners, I was taught to be uncertain of almost everything (including them and their actions), but I didn’t have much explained to me. I sure as hell didn’t receive encouragement to do anything. I was given a million reasons not to do many things. The thing I’m most bitter about, is the fact that I did not receive the foundational basis for a healthy self esteem. Quite the opposite in fact. The few childhood successes I had were often met with a third of the intensity, that my mistakes/troubles were. Most adults don’t like grey areas (I actually find them very enjoyable honestly), let alone a child. To (sloppily) come full-circle, if I didn’t have adults that had stable, and deliberate actions (steady intents), how would I grow to know that intent is important?
Those college attempts were severely misguided. I was never pushed to go by anyone, and honestly, younger me believed the same thing that I believe now: college does not (necessarily) equate to success. I remember starting college more as a way to bide time, while I got my internal shit sorted out. Fun fact, I not only didn’t work on sorting myself out, but I buried it deeper, so that I could be okay enough to get through everything. I didn’t have a clear concept as to whether or not I wanted or needed that extra education in the first place. All I knew was that I was in a college town and the loan money would help me out as well. At the time it was a win-win situation, but over a longer stretch of time… A pattern was made obvious. I would embark on a quest to obtain something that I kind of thought that I would like and/or be good at. I would, go along and do what I needed to for the most part. But it always felt so hollow, like I never truly wanted it. When “supposed to” and “don’t” meet, doubts grow.
Battling depression, whether you have/are or know someone who has/is, often blurs our certainty. There is very little in my world that I know for certain (even in regards to myself). I often get what the majority of the country’s ideal is confused with my own. I know I’m not alone in this regard, as there are several people who have degrees they were pushed toward for college-sake, not for the actual desire to achieve something that legitimately required higher learning. In a college town, it’s easy to feel like a failure if you don’t have a degree, or aren’t attempting one. Or, at least for me it is/was. I’m almost always in a state of paralysis. Two notions that cancel each other out that I feel strongly about on either side. It’s in these moments that intuition, is not so clear. For instance, one part of me believes that you should attempt whatever it is that you are interested in. If there’s a legitimate interest in it, go in that direction! The other says that following such childish notions is what delivers you to homelessness. I’ve tried following things that I wasn’t interested in one hundred percent and I always got burned out, hit a wall that I couldn’t and didn’t want to climb.
Lastly, I’ve noticed that I have concluded both the enjoyable and that which is pure drudgery. With, one exception, that is. When something is taxing (and/or considered immensely boring) I have this weird “switch” that flicks on or off, usually off. It is near impossible to return back to it’s “on” position. This too happens with things that I enjoy if they are hard, however, there’s a far higher likelihood that I won’t give up forever. Over the years, I have acquired jobs that I knew would not last, before I signed the application. I just wasn’t interested enough to begin with. With that in mind, it shouldn’t be too surprising that I left each job in under a month. There’s a variety of reasons for this. Anxiety, depression, genuine disinterest, and just, *throws hands up and shrugs* I dunno! Conversely, I can feel when the gravity of potential, when there’s something that I should explore. Unfortunately, not many of these ventures involve making immediate profit. Go figure. *sigh*
As is commonplace with the content I have posted to this blog thus far, I have trailed off! You’re welcome! In a way this is kind of a good thing though. A somewhat purposeful use of my inability to keep focus. ADHD, I believe myself to have it. STOP! Before your eyes go spinning around in your head, I’m not following some weird “trend”. I sincerely believe that I have been misdiagnosed with bipolar. Which, if you look it up, is criminally common. There is a lot of overlap between the two diagnoses and it is very possible that one might possess the two simultaneously! F*ck, I sure hope that that’s not my case!
So in my next blog, I’ll be digging into this theory of having undiagnosed ADHD, all of the things that support this theory, et cetera! I hope you all have a Happy Native American and Turkey Massacre day (if you celebrate it). Even if you don’t have an awesome day! Feel free to reach out if this has helped you, you’ve related, you shared this with someone who found it relatable… or even if you made it this far down.
Best wishes!
Seasons of the Which 