HALT!

This seems to be a welcome rarity since I’ve begun doing this. I’m referring to the fact that this is the second upload this week. It seems like the going rate is about a mere one per week. *pats self on shoulder* What’s it about? What warranted another posting? Stagnancy.

Stagnancy is a very prominent theme in my story as a person. It’s kind of what I was born into. I had two parents who were always just moving day-to-day. They didn’t really seem to have much in hopes or aspirations to better themselves. They were just trying to maintain, or so it seemed. Which, could be because I was a surprise baby. They weren’t really prepared for everything that would follow. That’s just a theory though. In the case of my father stagnancy was maintained by bowing out of things. If something was too new, or too challenging he simply threw up his hands and shrugged. Stumped, probably even secretly delighted, that an unhealthy homeostasis was preserved. He worked his dead end jobs to support myself and my stay at home mother. Which he did for awhile, and is one of the only commendable things he’s ever done. He had a problem seeing things through. He never even graduated high school. Which, if anyone reading this has not, I highly encourage you to go back for your GED/diploma. It will open a few more doors for you. But anyways, yeah, never graduated and was dishonorably discharged from the army. Lastly, he gave up on being a decent father before I even turned ten. No one to my knowledge ever accomplished anything of significance on his side of the family. No doctors et cetera, the highest of the food chain being a Ford motor employee.

I think that my mother tried more. Kind of? A lot of her stories usually don’t end up anywhere. For example she always said that she “had a chance” at being a cop. It seems like she just kept getting snagged on bad relationship after bad relationship rather than being her own independent woman. But I have a theory about that. I feel like there’s kind of this curse, or-or, this genetic personality type that is inhibitory. It makes us proficient in excuses as to why we can’t reach for higher heights. But I don’t think it’s passed onto all. Most mother’s siblings have at least abandoned the state (Michigan). I am aware that most of them have achieved somewhat of the lives they desired.

Then there’s grandpa, rest his soul. He’s the most definitive case of stagnancy I’ve seen. A couple of Halloweens ago my grandfather passed away. Whilst attending his funeral, all I could think was how absolutely empty his life was. I mean, I know that life should be about personal happiness, buuuuut very little could be said about the man. He liked word puzzles, he liked bowling, he was in the army, he had children, was married twice and… and. That’s essentially it. Oh yeah, and he was of Catholic faith. If his life were a room it’d be empty save a couple framed pictures. It made me uncomfortable and hyper aware at the lack of accomplishment in my life at the age that I stood. That has bothered me ever since. Clearly. As awful as it is, I refer to him as having a “worm’s life”. It had a beginning, a series of uncomplicated segments, and then an end. No legs, certainly no wings.

More nothing happened in my life as a child. T.V., porn, playing, but no goals. I think it’s very important to enrich a child. See where their passions seem to lie and feed them through school activities and such. Take interest and be super supportive. I was kind of left on my own a good majority of the time. No direction, little to no praise, and without experiences. I remember a few times I was given a maybe when asking to go events when I was little. Unlike the literal use of the word, maybe, meant no. So I gave up and used reverse psychology on my little mind. I told myself I didn’t want to go to these stupid school functions and in time, I didn’t. I rotted watching too much television, eating too much junk food, most of the time friendless. The fact that my parents were unhappy, what’s worse, unprepared, closed too many doors for the younger me. They had so much conflict within their own lives that they didn’t have time to consider and support me in doing things. We collectively mostly sat around on weekends watching movies and playing video games. It is this redundancy that helped to cement that behavior at a young age. Perhaps that’s one logical explanation as to why I struggle like I’m swimming through molasses much of the time. I wasn’t initially primed to do things. I wasn’t motivated to do anything by my parents. I didn’t even have chores. I got stuff and money, but no allowance. I chock that up to sympathy money, earned through dealing with the wreck that was/is my father.

It’s pretty often stated that the qualities we dislike in others, or we notice we dislike relate to us personally. This is no exception. Again, clearly. Although I haven’t done much, I have to learn to look fondly on what I have done. Not look at all the missing trophy places on the shelf. I have to know that I’ve already done quite a lot more than any of my family in my thirty years of life. Maybe I just have a higher standard I want to live up, but I don’t want a worm’s life. I don’t want an unmemorable three-part miniseries. I want a better me, and if I keep on trying, Santa just my humor me.