Welcome! If you’ve been here already, welcome back! As the title hints at, this post will be a little less thematic, if you will. I feel everything ties together, but it’s an amalgamation of some new and old material. Hopefully you enjoy, and of course, learn something new… even if that happens to just be a new perspective.
Self love, maybe I’ve been hiding under a rock for quite some time, but I feel like this is a far underrated subject. It’s easy to be hard on ourselves unfortunately. But what happens when that critical shit-talker never leaves? Self hatred has room to grow, just like weeds in an otherwise beautiful garden. And to go further with this metaphor, I’m going to say everyone has some weeds, but some people (such as myself) are overrun. For the most part, I’ve always admitted to never really liking myself. The constant ridicule and helplessness of circumstances in my younger years never left me with many flowers. Humor me with sticking to this metaphor. Please? If anything, it was more of a muddy, patchy piece of land where mostly weeds grew. If I was lucky a pretty weed (a dandelion) might appear. Let me restate that it wasn’t always like this, but mostly. Over the years I’ve managed to just be uncomfortable with myself enough to say that I didn’t like myself. Until this year, when that nagging little voice very flatly and simply said “You hate yourself”. It was eye opening for sure. Finally admitting to myself what I had always known but never addressed. It was both empowering and weakening simultaneously.
When I really thought about it though, it did make a lot of sense. Although I hadn’t inflicted (physical) pain upon myself in years, I was subtly poisoning myself with mounting addictions. I was and am trying to stop passively self-harming. I say passively in the sense that I’m not doing anything to myself with immediate consequences. Enter the discovery of the concept of self love. There are just certain things in our lives that we have strong associations with. For me, self love was always associated with middle-aged married women desperate to feel whole. I can’t really say how that specific of an association came to be, but it is what it is. When I was seeing who I am going to refer to as my “sponsor”, she brought this up to me. You know what? It very much fell in line with the last post I made here. True changes in your life have to be by, and for you. I mean, even if nobody else likes you, if you like yourself and embrace who you are, that will hardly be relevant. BUT, if you really dislike yourself, the acceptance or, lack thereof of others holds too much power. Searching hungrily for the acceptance of others is just like throwing a bandage over a wound that needs stitches. It’s impractical and takes far more maintenance. Or, it’s like eating a whole bunch of sugar and expecting to feel satiated. True happiness is in fact found from within.
Easier said than done, right? I have almost, in everything I’ve ever done, sought approval from the outside. Especially, when I initially lost weight and was getting all sorts of positive feedback for doing so. Positive feedback from others is not something that is guaranteed though. It’s not a sustainable source of joy. Even if it was consistent, even if someone called you pretty at least once a day, if you didn’t feel you were, or allow yourself to feel you were, you’d still feel hollow. The glow of that compliment will fade far faster than finding the compliment for yourself, and believing it.
All of this is in part why I hesitate too much. Are the cameras rolling? They’re probably only catching my bad side. I hesitate because I have a hard time doing for myself. Letting what I want and need for myself prevail over the perceived thoughts of others. So I have to go on this journey while I’m avoiding the addictions and trying to build new and sturdier foundations. I have to learn how to be an ally and advocate to and for myself. It won’t necessarily be easy considering how often I’ve betrayed myself. I have to learn to trust myself too. Well, yeah. That’s where I’m at. Still at a crossroad, but at least I have a vague sense of direction. Self love, where are you?
Seasons of the Which 