Tonight is another group, one that is DBT specific. I have taken one before, but as with most things when I was younger, I wasn’t actively using the skills. I have about an hour and a half until it’s time to head out, so I figured I’d write about this thought process I’ve had several times . It’s essentially about body dysmorphia, but with a slight twist.
As I’ve said on here before, I went from being a binge eater, to being anorexic, to being a binge eater again, yo-yoing several times throughout my life. But an interesting concept recently presented itself to me. Every time I was where I “wanted to be” physically, it was essentially to blend in. To not be that fat and awkward queer that was harassed throughout their younger years. I never really did it for me, never really did it for my personal well being or health. I just knew that I wanted to be a chameleon, and if not a chameleon I wanted to be hot. I wanted (and still kind of want) all of the acceptance… buuuuuuuut, my own. I have seemed to put so much emphasis into how I look and how I appear, but it was hardly ever for my own acceptance. I have lied to myself time and again to convince myself otherwise, but it never sticks. I feel like there were a couple of moments, don’t get me wrong, where it was more about me building a me that I wanted, if that makes any sense. But mostly, it was to attract, or hide.
The way I arrived at this thought was by looking at all of these gym and muscle promoting things in the media. I only had one question: why? What practical purpose does having a six pack, or impossibly large muscles serve? Unless you’re a fighter or a show pony (body building competitor) there isn’t really any. Except… social acceptance and the attraction of other people. Many other people lie to themselves and believe it’s all for them, but if they really think about it, I’m sure they would arrive at the same conclusion. You probably, wouldn’t care if you lived in a void free from media influence? It probably would not even matter. So that’s an interesting theory that I have.
“Perfect” lean body aside, I used to have features I was proud of, that would help to offset the dislike of said body. I had hair and makeup. When I let the pursuit of finding a boyfriend beat the interest in wearing makeup off of my face I lost a part of myself. I don’t want to say that I was great at my makeup, but I was pretty good at it, and I could pull it off quite well. I missed the ritual that I had. Putting on the eyeliner, the shadow, sometimes mascara. Having a different look pretty much every day. It was hard to get bored with… but I let the rest of the world say no. Or, at least I felt them say no, I have no real evidence that this is/was the case. It felt naked in a bad way, like a huge portion of my confidence was done away with.
Once I eventually adapted to that, my hair became my pride and joy. It was the last physical feature that I had that made me unique and gave me variety in my appearance. Within the last 3 years however, it began to thin, and rather than being one of those sad, sad men in denial about the situation, I have been shaving it ever since. This was the last setback. Now, the closest thing that I have that I like about myself is my hat. I will sincerely have to dig significantly deeper to discover a new physical trait that I can take pride in. ESPECIALLY because I don’t like my body. It’ll be hard, but perhaps it is possible.
What was especially hard for me about losing these two things, is how I feel. To be more specific, I’ve always felt far more feminine than masculine. Hence the stereotypical hair and makeup. I’ve always found what women get to wear, so much more fun, so much more free. Men really don’t so much. Our stuff is barebones, and when we do want something cool/cute, it’s super freaking expensive. Listen to this privileged white male whine about how unfair something is. HA. But yeah, I essentially lost my pretty. I haven’t been able to really acclimate since. I think this is inpart, the reason why I have stopped caring about my physical appearance to a degree. My two favorite traits are gone. One would think this would fuel my desire for a better body, but it has inspired an apathy I can’t fully explain.
Now, I appear as a generic male. Guys with shaved heads can’t be “pretty” in the sense that I used to be. Or, at least it takes a lot more in order for it to happen. Guys with shaved heads are portrayed as anything but pretty and/or sensitive, or soft/feminine. At least when I had the look I felt more comfortable about letting the inner me flow out a lot more. Now, I feel this inner and outer disconnect. Like my personality and inner self don’t match the outside. So it makes me a bit more hesitant to be me. I mean, I’ve been called handsome, which is… nice. But, I associate handsome with mothers calling their sons that, or men in their 50’s on up. It’s a little too masculine? I suppose? It just feels awkward and foreign to me.
How do I navigate this and feel good about myself? Do I look for guys with shaved heads as inspiration. Guys who aren’t largely masculine? Also, before it is assumed, I know I’m a male, and am at ease with my sex, it’s just my gender and the way that it’s “supposed” to match that puzzles me. It will be hard, but it’s potentially possible.
Seasons of the Which 