So yeah, been fighting myself to do this, no matter how therapeutic it might be. I binged today, on cereal. This is why we have a couple of locked food areas in the house. I cannot trust myself too much. What’s interesting was the reason why… It was this overwhelming rush of “FEED ME SEYMOUR”. I felt like a cyclone of mindless eating. This voracious, all-consuming black hole, pulling in the world around me to be digested. Back to mentioned “reason why”: I felt sick. I had a headache, and my defense has almost always been to overeat. That dopamine rush actually seems to help it go away. I’m a big wuss when it comes to pain, the presence of a headache usually signals the onset of worse to come. I am lucky to get them so infrequently that they are warning shots to my system.
Today I started attending a group. A support group specifically. The people seemed nice enough, and the coordinator was/is great. I got to meet with her briefly afterwards and talk about stuff. We got along quite well I think. Tomorrow I will try a different group, and see what that’s like… and yet another group possibly on Sunday. All of them are mental health related, but have their own specifics. The last one I mentioned, that I might attend Sunday, is addiction specific. It’s different in that, it’s not limited to alcoholics. Which, is great because there are so many more addictions that do not involve alcohol or drugs. Anyways, that was just some miscellaneous information that I wanted to share first.
What I wanted to talk about today is my sperm donor, to say father is a bit far fetched. This “man”… ugh. Where to start? Much like the very person he is, my thoughts on him are disjointed and unflattering. That being said, I’ll just list off somethings until I feel I’ve painted a decent picture. Self absorbed. Unwilling and probably unable to admit he’s wrong. An absentee father who lived in the house (though he lived there he didn’t raise me). A dull addict with a bad attitude. A domestically violent idiot. It makes me sick that I came from the same gene pool as this twat. To give further evidence that I can’t stand him, I have not spoken to him in a decade come 2021. I just don’t have time to try and listen to someone of such a high caliber of stupidity and backwards logic. He’s everything I never want to be. Unfortunately, genes. I’m not saying that they are the end all of everything, but they are pretty damn strong. I’m happy that I am not reproduce for this reason. I’m doing my hypothetical child and the rest of the world a great service by being disinterested in replicating.
So what’s so bad? He’s simple minded. He can’t think abstractly. Everyone is out to get him, ALWAYS. He’s one of those “men are men” males, which just isn’t true. What the fuck does that even mean? His dad was a physically abuse alcoholic to both him, his brothers, and his mother. I feel no sympathy for him. Not a shred. It’s like karma preemptively hit him early for being the awful person he’d eventually become. Although he never physically abused me, his actions still left so much indirect damage. He was super verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother. I had to find ways to intervene or distract myself for what felt like hours. It was hard when there was the occasional sound of a breaking object or two.
I know I’m not giving clear-cut examples, so here’s the most important. My father was always unstable, and it only got progressively worse though my teen years. Which, by that time I had learned that he was not to be trusted due to his unpredictable nature. I mean, he could want to play video games, or he could be punching a hole in the wall because I gave him the “wrong” answer to a question he was right about with his great omnipotence. I digress. One winter night in the early 2000’s I was feeling sick. I woke up for a little bit to talk to mother and went back to sleep at some point. A couple of hours later, I’m having this crazy, surreal dream in which, I felt like I was wide awake and there were these shadow people all around me. It’s to my understanding that this is common in sleep paralysis. Upon seeing the shadows in my not awake, but not asleep state, I heard a scream and loud crash. I couldn’t be certain that it was real or not until that loud roar of that neanderthalic idiot rang out. I tried to move a couple of times, but just like in sleep paralysis, I didn’t budge. It looked like and felt like the shadows wanted me to listen by keeping me in place.
I willed myself up and out of bed. It turned out that mom, had fallen. By fallen, I mean was pushed down the stairs due to a presumed affair. This is just one of many unwarranted outbursts. I had him put in jail for a time because of this. A much shorter lived time than it should of been because someone bailed him out early. He also put his mother’s ashes in someone’s trash can. Such a nice guy.
One last really scarring thing that took place. One Christmas get together Ron was ready to leave. Tired of waiting, with me in the car, he drove off and told me that I was never going to see her again. All I can remember is balling and staring hopelessly out of the back window as if I was arrested and being pulled off to prison. This event here, has greatly increased, if not created abandonment issues. That and the tricky way they left me at kindergarten without much preparation for what was going to happen. Anyways, have a nice day.
Seasons of the Which 