Before the onset of this entry I would like to state that I apparently ate a wax ear plug in my sleep last night. Yup, that happened. But there are two positives to this narrative. One, I only ate a single plug and two, I at least chewed and didn’t choke. I live to see another day! Yippee, and what not. lol. But really, I am happy to still exist, I quite like it. Despite the downs I often face there’s still so much to see, try, and experience.
Okay! To begin. The title words might or might not be the most appropriate two words, but as long as the sentiment is understood, that’s what matters. Laziness, motivation, passion, a common thread exists between them. [Obligatory disclaimer: these are my thoughts and experience, I am not trying to say that I am representative of any group of people.] As you may know depression can sap energy. Keep that in your head a minute. Now, imagine it being a recurring thing that never quite fully exits, but takes breaks. Does that sound like it might leave you tired? I’m not sure if it’s the bipolar (the depression aspect more specifically) or what, but it hampers me in many a way. Now, I’ve touched on this a time or two before on here about sleep. About how I’ve going to slowly work my way toward better habits for sleep. I have been maintaining a steady sleep/wake routine for almost a week *pats self on the back*.
What does feeling tired do? It peels back motivation to an appalling degree. It steals the wheel from you and crashes you into all of the obstacles. Try to imagine that feeling of being exhausted (without do much to get there) everyday. It is for this reason that my addictions have become as strong as they have. The payoff of a dopamine rush or two when my mind inevitably lags. They were the only things that could penetrate that tired feeling I so dislike. But I mostly developed them to avoid listening to my body. Which says tired. So why don’t I heed what my body is telling me? I already feel like a lazy unmotivated person most of the time… taking a nap or two just further supports that idea. I don’t know where it came from, but I associate napping with lazy and boring, at least in regards to myself. Perhaps that’s due to American media and their depiction of this slacker archetype. If you’re doing nothing, you are nothing. But honestly, if we can understand that people are born into the wrong body (transgender people) than why does someone who’s doing nothing make them a slacker?
The question I am posing, is what if that person (the “slacker” really wants to do something? It’s just that they’re so dulled down by being tired and sad all of the time ultimately killing motivation, ultimately killing interest, and passion, which denies action to take place? Whatsmore, for those of you who didn’t know this, addiction numbs the bad… but it will numb most any other pleasure that it is not responsible for as well. This person is left tired and unmotivated, interested in doing something, but what? Nothing sounds good, nothing sounds like it will reach the level of high that their drugs do. So time is filled with meaningless things to kill the time until a friend or some other person comes around. It’s time to get all of that stimulation now.
For example, I’ve been trying really hard recently to watch both my eating and my online porn habit (that’s an intentional distinction I want to make clear at some point). Very little has sounded appealing. It’s as if I am standing at those hammer and bell carnival games, you know the kind. The kind where you have to really slam that hammer down in order to win. Yeah, it’s like that, but one after another and most of them unresponsive, arms tiring more and more with every swing.
I’ve recently discovered that I really like getting out and going places. It fires me up and makes me more awake and happier than any fix could. It’s incredible. This must be what it feels like to have other joys. They say that after you’ve returned from an addiction, or certain addictions at least, that you reach a sort of fresh start. Your mind (although now hyper-sensitive to the problematic stimuli) bounces back and is now sensitive to other things. A bit of a factory reset if you will. So while I’m in essence a zombie throughout my days… I all of a sudden find my soul again when it’s time to get out and do something! Which, as a side note,makes me wonder if sitting in a coffee shop and doing stuff would be of benefit to me. I’ll have to try that.
But one thing I can say about passion… there are few times when I get flickers of it (at this point in time), but when I do it really shows. I’m expressive and blatant in where I’m at mentally. If I’m not awake or in a good mood it’s hard for me to put a wide-eyed smiling mask on. For instance, here. On this blog I feel like I’m getting out what I want to and need to say. I’m very passionate about discussing things of this nature with people. I’m passionate that the world needs to understand what disorders are, and how they work, and not pay heed to the sensationalized cases in the news or portrayed on television. Sure, I need to start being able to take things at face value a little more, but I feel other people could learn to dig a little bit deeper than the surface of things.
Hopefully this tied together coherently. Think objectively, and stay well my friends!
Seasons of the Which 