Preclusion

So instead of the topic, anorexia (sorry), and my relationship with it, I wanted to address a feeling that I was recently able to identify . As I was beginning my day writing lists of different things (I like lists) I tried to understand some of the reasons as to why I’m not the biggest fan of the summer. I mean real reasons, not the bullshit reason I have told many times in the past about it being too hot. Among said real reasons were the following: I am super uncomfortable with my body and there’s not really any way to justify wearing jackets outside. But by all means, if I know I’ll be inside most of the time somewhere I’ll wear a jacket. Another reason being that I had sad and lonely past experiences involving the season. I’ve only ever had one or two friends at a time, and that is when I in fact had friends. Naturally, summer time is looked at as a time of freedom and friends. Then, I casually came across it, a breakthrough thought.

It’s the loneliness that gets me the most. In the colder seasons I do a lot better: the last four months of the year are my favorite months, I can hide myself with jackets, and, when I’m inside I am unbothered, because there’s a good likelihood that most everyone else is too. A weird sense of unity and an absence of the dreaded fear of missing out (I refuse to use “FOMO”). When it gets too hot I’m a shut-in again, only this time I’m made aware of my singularity (during the day at least). I’m likely in the minority this time, staying inside the cool dark depths of the house while the sun is out and the snow is months away. I thought back to the very brief Autumns and Springs we have here in Michigan. When those transitional months come about, the windows get to be open, comfortably, without freezing or roasting. With those open windows flood the sounds of the world outside, full of life. I feel connected in a limited way, but one that still feels good.

And one might say, or think: well Grant, why don’t you just turn off the air and open some windows? Or, why don’t you make some friends or something? I think about these things, the first answer being, because it will get too hot inside, which I think is a valid answer. The second is trickier, because I don’t know how to relate to people. I have somewhat of an aversion in fact. Most of the people who have been close to me in my life have hurt me. I’ll throw it right out there, I am a sensitive and full-on person. I have a tendency to be on the clingy side, whether that’s friendship or other. It can be a bit much. As you might know, someone who has bipolar, to match their extreme ups and downs, see in all or nothing terms a lot. I can’t speak for the rest, But I tend to conduct my relationships in that way. Either I pull you into my life, or I reject the connection. It is in many ways my choice, but it’s a flawed emotional survival mechanism. Is this person worthy?

That, on it’s own is something else. It’s not really a conscious thought, that appraisal. But things that really draw me into a person are simple. Do they try to honestly listen to me, even if I’m acting a bit shy or withdrawn? Do they “open me up”? Are they relatable? I’m aware that this criteria somewhat aligns with what other people like in a person… but these traits are especially important to me. Wanted, and welcome are hard feelings for me to get from people, and when I do find them, I kind of fan girl about it. Also, I’m not the most relatable person, so finding someone with these qualities is equivalent to me throwing a hunter’s net on a unicorn.

Failed attempts at communication only dampen my desire to try and connect with others. This cycle works much the same way as any negative feedback does. I’ve recently been looking into groups to form bonds with people that have similar problems. Like AA, but with sad people instead, lol. This could be a stepping stone back into the real world. I should have more (positive) connections with people than just my partner, and I want to try.

Hopefully some of you can relate. I also really hope that this came full-circle as much I wanted it to. I very much enjoy having things make sense. No one, for the most part, like a series of unrelated stories when it comes to topics such as this. Have a good one. Say hi if you want and/or need to. I’m also open to questions if you have them! Aaaaaaand, bye. ;p