So, some lists have been created to help categorize my thoughts and what I would like to get out there. I am pretty proud of it and hope to convey the actual emotions that correlate to each subject matter. One huge thing that might hinder this, is being in a good mood. Which, believe me, I’m all for… but it’s hard to accurately depict the important things when rose-tinted glasses are being used to examine some dark things.
I thought I’d begin with what might just be the most challenging thing in my life currently. This is a good move, because it’s something that is current and can be spoken about in present tense. My thoughts and opinions on B.E.D and any other eating disorder I might mention, are nonclinical. For the most part anything said is just personal belief or experience (mostly because I don’t want to cite things yet). So, without any further delay, let’s begin.
I’ve gotta start out by saying that I love the push for people of all shapes and sizes to love who they are both inside and out. That is something that I struggle with greatly. “Being healthy” was not too much of a thing in my youth. I kind of always ate what I wanted. Before I knew it I was a 150lb fourth grader. As one might imagine, that wasn’t great. It happened very quickly. By the time I was made aware that that was an issue to my health, is about the time students were turning into little trolls. It was hard not to be hyper aware of my situation. I developed a few nervous habits to help alleviate some of the anxiety. Neither of which addressed the problem head-on. I started stretching my shirts by tugging at the waist of them. And then, I heard someone talking about how some girls would hide their “maturation” let’s call it, under sweaters and hoodies. BRILLIANT! I wore hoodies whenever I could, until I physically could not handle the heat. It worked, it gave me enough confidence back to function properly.
Then, there were the “goth” days A.K.A, my teenage years. I never really intended to go in that direction, but nasty circumstances can steer people in all sorts of directions. I really only started wearing so much black because I had learned that (as you might have guessed where this was going) it is slimming. And, of course it had to be around the age that goth more or less became a slur. Armed with their new word and my imperfect body, they had enough to get under my skin. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have anyone in my corner. I can count on both hands how many times I have had a steady friend or two in my life. I had food to console me. I had releases of dopamine and cartoons to sedate me. A vicious cycle. The hyperawareness I mentioned earlier served as a survival guide. It made me watch whatever I did, and gauge it worthy or not. I hardly ever met it’s demands because it served the opinions of others. I got stuck in a cycle of missing acceptance. I didn’t fit in with the “weirdos” and I most certainly didn’t fit in with the fake and oh-so-enviable popular people. I was just there. So, it wasn’t even like I had strength in numbers. So the teasing just reinforced the habit, which in turn reinforced the harassment. I didn’t have anyone I felt I could talk to. Much like any other problem I had, when I did ask for help from a parent, the advice was seldom helpful. They would just shrug it off and only half listen to me. Sure, they’d give me advice, but it was useless for what I was going through. So I likely ate those feelings too.
Looking back nowadays, I can see I had binge eating problems then (and it’s come full circle). I couldn’t put my appearance aside, because it was constantly being thrown at me. Like a scary Halloween mask you were trying to forget you saw, being worn on the heads of all of those surrounding you. All you could see is your insignificance, loneliness, and flaws. These and many other circumstances (that I’ll talk about next time) lead to eventual anorexia.
It feels good to do this, therapy can only do so much. Only so much can be said in an hour. Especially when you’re working toward new skills to progress in life. I hope this finds those that might need it, can benefit from it, etc.
(To clarify a lose end, I didn’t have any other family members available to me either, and I was an only child.)
Seasons of the Which 